Sunday, 8 November 2009

12 months- Story Time Again

Last 12 months were supremely interesting from every imaginable possible direction: work front, personal life (if i consider that i do have any!) and most importantly emmotional quotient side (yeah, i know it sounds so is)

Changed desks...moved from an extremely cool sounding desk called correlation trading (makes the budding i-bankers go orgasmic) to business risk (yeah, the chakha desk according to this extremely "non-chakha" fellow) to credit trading (has the work trading in it - must be lot of money and even if not, it sounds so coool and hep, i know...tell me about it). There were 2 kinds of people in these 12 months...few who started having doubts that am i really the loser they wanted me to be...few who always stayed by my side (there were just 2)...these 2 ppl no matter what happens always support me...i wonder are they blind or what!

Anyways, i always used to advise ppl when they lost their jobs and were depressed that "were they so bad? why did it happen to them" etc etc. I always used to say it isn't just happened to them as a random selection process...deflect...don't worry abt it...

Best thing i did when it did happen to me, was DEFLECT.

I actually wrote this for a guy who i think is feeling the heat these days but i am 100% sure this guy is a st(c)ud and crack the fkk out of most bankers when he gets going.


Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Honeymoon Over

Trader A: Your bid for Phili19s please?
Trader B: Market is 100-100.5, I make 99-100
Trader A: Hit you thr, 10mm

5min later
Trader A: what market now?
Trader B: 98-99
Trader A: Hit you thr, another 10mm

15min later
Trader A: now?
Trader B: fkk you, 90-100 .I.
Trader A: Hit again 10mm
Trader B: (knows that he is done for the month, balance sheet, pnl, he is royally raped)

Mayur: (talking to the broker) i am not in correlation trading any more dude...have moved to something internally, a non business risk function
Broker: Ah, you hit too. Sad. Anyone left apart from the king of kings, trader of traders, the might Maad?
Mayur: Not that i am aware of. Anwyays gotta run, some random call with management

Call: Mack the knife declaring 60% associates need to go + salary going to get cut by 30%
Mayur: urghhhh, wtf! Need to get the fkking rent tax deductible. Rather get the rent reduced itself.

D and K: D is moving over to london Mayur, so you know what that means right?
Mayur: yeah...
D and K: you are basically the guy now for Asia and Japan. consider urself the head of correl trading Asia ex Japan ex CDO ex FTD ex Correl products
Mayur: what the hell is left :) anwyays i knwo what it means, it means i do all the work and you will take all credit. it means i do all shit sweeping and you don't get to even smell it!

Mayur: offer plz, 10mm indo
Trader B: 345 for only 5mm
Mayur: you wusssss...i buy thr
Mayur to sales: all indo cds mine for 5mm...lifts 4 more dealers
Mayur: bid for 5mm indo...or 2mm is ur size now (smug...proud...unaware...ignorant...about to fall!)
Trader B: 365...can do 20mm (smug...proud...unaware...ignorant...already has fallen)
Mayur: done!

Mayur: I am not going to even consider this bullsh^t piece of paper till you give me associate + a joining bonus
D : are u out of ur freaking mind?
Mayur: let's talk to your boss, either you don't get paid urself or you have no clue how this works
D: fine, let's talk...ok ...but...ok...done.
Mayur: walks in first day...suit...tie...ppl laughing their head off....whitest of the white shoed bank has no such dress code...traders all in tweeds, tods, shirts :)
D: (swinging his broken golf stick) welcome bro...start printing...we r counting on u...btw if i were you, i would lose that Tag Haeur too...would make you get paid less...atleast if i was ur boss, i wouldn't pay u. I need taxi drivers entering MS who want to work 24 hours for earning just $100 a day, not Tiger Woods or Brad Pitt dangling that much does it weigh?

Mayur: I just wanted to tell you that I am resigning today
Trader C: may i know why?
Mayur: (coz you suck) i got a better oppurtunity and i think i will add mre value thr and my skill set matches thr (coz you mofo, you ruined my life)
Trader C: anything we can do to match?
Mayur: you wish...I am joining MS so...
Trader C: hmmm gud house...anwyays all the will however will have to work out ur notice period
Mayur: nopes ways...i buy it out!!!
Mayur: walking out of the building, smsing r the man
D: yeah, lemme get my jacket...need to show i am heading into a is just 4!

Mayur: Bunniiieeeee you wanna see something
Bunniieeeee: sure, what...ahhhhh it is awesome man
Mayur: and it is pretty cheap
Bunnniieeee: ok, i will buy one too...
Tag Hauer has the record month in making...they have already sold the same piece 10 times this month and it still is just 20th day
Transferred money to india? much? ^*&&%$ i am luving this...did you see the Ice house street apartments? has to be atleast thr with a tub man!

IIMB cracks 70 slot 0 offers. GS, Lehman, ML, BNP, BankAm, Barclays were amongst the biggets banks on campus. Over 10 students got packages of over &**%&%. Students had multiple offers and it clearly feels that IIMB and Indian MBA students are entering into a honeymoon phase where they are all set to conquer the wall street :)


Thursday, 5 March 2009

Latest trends in HK

  • Men dressing in extremely tight trousers and women wearing sleeveless at work
  • Fitness mania, running daily...anything below 5km and you are considered lame
  • Men wanting to marry but women wanting to only fkk
  • Women stopping to coochiecoo every single dog they see on the street
  • Gay men leaving banking and entering fashion business and ramp walking (finally!!!)
  • 2 indians passing each other but keeping a straight face as if he was a born firang and doesn't care about seeing someone from familiar land
  • Pakistanis, Bangladeshis, Sri Lankans all trying to pass off as Indians...soon the freaking Chinese will try too... guhahaha
  • Wine more than normal conventional alcohol
  • Exchanging rings pre engagement and settling mark to market on gold price without actual settlement after break up
  • No pushup bras for women
  • Men wearing vests/tshirts under their shirts are branded as 'wife-beaters' after the extremely popular italians
  • Women still struggling to stay in control on seeing a pole and not dancing, men still not able to that :)
  • Being injured while playing a sport and having a bandage on your hand (masturbation is also included just for the people who are thinking that)
  • Predicting that recession will be over in 2010
  • Quintessentially hoping that you get a big bonus. Irrespective of what you get, on being asked, the answer is digital: zilch or 100k
  • No more swearing on mother sister it is the animal kingdom with suyar, kutta and absolutely latesht one being saanp ki poonch
Forgetting a few, no worries will update in a new post. Enjoy maadi.

Saturday, 7 February 2009

Interesting daaru days...

I have always wondered how many ppl do actually know abt wines...or alcohols they have/like...i can never forget this day which was absolutely hilarious and is made fun of till this day.

Long long time ago, there was (he still is) an African born, Indian arbitrage trader working for a French bank who specialised in pressing 2 keyboard keys = Shift + F9. So great was his ability at work that he could do it anywhere even with his eyes closed (just imagine!!!). Anyways not to stray from the main story, the trader and his lowly work team went on a dinner to a Moroccon (are those the right spellings?) sea food place in Hong Kong called "Dot Cod". He had always wondered the differences between white wine and red wine

The lowly team comprised solely of 2 nationalities: the mighty Indians and the even mightier French...merci bequeat (those are most certainly the right spellings...). No of Indians: 4 No of French: 4 The great Indians comprised of the following: Afro Indian trader, the legendary c++ specialist, the 80/120 magician and the lord of the kings aka ET

The hunky and the irrestible french comprised of: Gabbar Singh (main host), Amrish Puri, Prem Chopra (those were the hunky bit) and Aruna Irani (she is the irrestible part) As all work places thrive on, this one too was built on love, respect and mutual admiration between the Indians and the French. They took places opposite to each other at the Dot Cod.

C++ sitting opposite Gabbar...having already downed 2 Gelnfidich on the rocks...looking straight into his eyes...he achieved what no other chuha could have till his time in the banking industry. It was time to order the drinks. C++ looks at menu and decides to have wine that day. For no particular reason ofcourse but because that was the most expensive item on the menu and our very own dearest Gabru (wellll...that is what c++ used to call him pyar se ...) was sponsoring it.

In his deepest baritone voice, C++ orders "1 Pinot Grois blah blah 2002 Chile". Looks at me..."Saale, order this one...most expensive, let's rape them today man. He does it to me everyday!"

Afro-Indian trader: ?!!?! when...i thought you ppl used to go down to take coffee...

C++: "Hiloooo...muar li!" C++ is happy today despite 1 fkk up that he has already done in the evening (later...that will also be described but later)

Gabbar Singh: "I will have 1 glass of red wine, medium body, little crispy side, can you suggest something C++"

C++: ouchhhh...^&%$^ yahan bhi danda deke rakha hai...he points at something which is 1/5th his white wine price. C++ is starting to enjoying this...he sees hope that this will not end up his face being pinned down and like the classic Pulp Fiction scene :)

Gabbar Singh: " no no...this no good...looks at the waitress...orders 1 blah blah blah blah blah blah Australia 2001"...he scores...longer name...older wine...more pseuder accent...most importantly he got the more tote waitress...that really hurt C++...tum chak%$e ho...
Wine arrives...Gabbar starts swirling his glass...smells it...swirls it more...

C++: inspired...swirls his glass too...more the swirl, better the girl! well it is apparently believed in France...

Gabbar: swirl...swirl...

C++: getting angry now...swirl is a competition now...he won't stop...looks at me...looks at rest of the table...he is sure is a match on our hands...he can't let this side of the table down...swirl swirl...smells...swirl...smell...swirl..smell...swirl..swirling..swirling (this one has started sounding like Sholay's "massi jiiiii...u will be jail ki chakiii pisssiiing and pissinnngg)

French table is all smiles...Aruna Irani is jumping up and down...Gabru has a satisfied look on his face...

C++: ??? whispers into 80/120 magician's ears, why is he looking so satisfied...he hasn't taken me or you for a "coffee" yet!

Prem Chopra can't resist his habit of french jau woo hoo je gahuay chuso...pouted lips...

More smiles...ouchhhh everyone realises....dearest c++ had ordered white wine...!!!

This beat his previous fkk up of the same day when he announced that he drinks only glendfidich on the rocks...and anything else is lowly...he can instantly recognise rest of the shady stuff easily...acha guys order one for me...i will be back in a ki ghanti ghuma ke aaya...
?!?!?! kya??? oooo that is his codeword for going to the washroom...c++ has some smoothness man...he can't just say in front of the guys ki i am going to the no no...that's too lowly and shady u see... bacardi mohito...and one glenfidich on the rocks...

Waitress: "ya rite! stay in ur limits...glenfidich!..we have JD..."

Ok fine...JD is fine...drinks come...btw c++ yet not back from his phone dialing...ah there he is...coming back...looking a bit tired...hmmm...i guess he was being honest abt "phone dialing"...
Sips...looks at us...where were we..yeah man...bacardi etc se upar uthoge ab...try whisky man...glenfidich...takes another sip...aahhhhhhhh....(another one!!! we all thought he just did that in the washroom..he has some frequency!)...gulps down rest of it...

Looks at us...guys this one on me...waitress...can you plz repeat the last order!


Tuesday, 3 February 2009

From my past relationships i learnt

Last one and the best one till date I have read is "Get laid...btw you also got paid .I."

Ha i think most orkut personal columns are either to make ur ex feel bad or make urself feel good about the fact that you got dumped.

For that reason, I have never understood why do people add any description abt themselves in any of the coloumns? Specially in the case when they are "terminally sick of getting friend requests"...ya rite!!! Get over people thinking that you are the new Angelina Jolie/ Brad Pitt!

So the descriptions or the hobbies are for ur set of 100 gud friends who are going to do what with it? Suddenly decide they don't want to be your freinds if they don't like ur interests or ur set of movies? Or is it sparse scant display of your creative side that gets fulfilled by writing of amazing movie reviews that u wrote...(clapping)

It is a networking site...relax about it...seriously!

Btw new trend is people proxy trading between facebook and orkut:) different set of pics...different set of friends...different sets of past relationships?!?!?!?


Sunday, 11 January 2009

Pigeon vs Peacock...

Before I even start this post, 3 ppl mentioned in the post apart from me are real life and have been some of my very few good friends. If you read this, the post is only for being funny and coz I met two of you very recently and remembered this incident. Don't get mad please :)

This is a story of 4 friends, all from Electrical Deptt 04 batch:

Himanshu: Army background, pseud bugger. He had interests and hobbies in Military Aviation and other such nonsense. He could talk only in English and had an heavy UK accent. He would greet parents with Hello Maam, Sir...extremely scared of his dad (we would often see semi wet stained jeans the next day in college). He was fondly called scooby-doo, you can imagine why.

Nikhil: Akshay Khanna of Dil Chahta Hai. Spoke less. Would generally consider a time waste to argue with ppl. Had only 1 line quips which were super funny and make the other person person feel ashamed of their wits. Had rock solid opinions (though never expressed) and almost knew everything to know on this planet

Naresh: (he is the main protagonist of the story) Jat Bhai from Jind Haryana, pehlwan budhi. Could think only in terms of violence, isko uthwa dein, hamari jaan pehchan hai, koi problem hai to batao. Funny guy and he had a special relationship (not the Dostana kinds...well at that time we didn't know dostana) with Nikhil of the kind where both could only irritate each other and end of arguing where obviously Nikhil won 100% times

Mayur: 4th guy. The dorky weird walk style fellow whose nose size was often the butt of their jokes. Perenial bored expression on his face and the often running nose reduced what he thought was his dynamite style of dressing

Lecture: BioMedical, Prof: Madari, Lecture just started, first lecture in the morning

Backbench, 4 frnds sitting. Naresh had his lunch already open, gobi ki sabzi. Himanshu desperately trying to get me and Nikhil shut up and not discuss Roy Keane's greatness (only guy Nikhil respects in the whole world)

Madari: (super nasal voice) Nikammo, 4 khote last bench wale subah subah tum log bak bak kar rahe ho. Attendance short kar doon. 74.5% pe atka doonga, yahin reh jayegi tumhari degree. Peon mantality hai tumhari. incorrigible fools...chal 4 sawaal kar do zara assignment ke liye...

Naresh: Peacock...Peacock....(loudly)

Mayur: ??????
Nikhil: Peacock????
Himanshu: Peacock??????!!!
Everyone: Where Where??!!??

Naresh points. Silence......

Nikhil: Falls off the bench laughing...Naresh: confused...starts getting irritated
Mayur: Saale, pigeon hai yeh...peacock!!!!
Himanshu: puzzled, had an expression "i don't believe i am associated with these morons"
Nikhil: Naresh yaar sparrow hi bol deta, peacock!!!
Everyone: laughing, hysterical

Madari: amused but no he had to do his usual dialogue baazi. Nikamme, yeh tak to tujhe pata nahin hai. Engineer kya khaak banega. Naukri kaise lagi teri, sifarish lagayi hogi tune zaroor!

Naresh: embarassed, tries to hide below the desk (atleast so what we thought). Comes out with a bang carrying his helmet and bammmm there goes a dislocated shoulder for Nikhil! looking at Himanshu and me. whom to hit next. Nikhil still laughing, pisses Naresh off even more. One more shot from gadhadhari bhim on to Nikhil.

Nikhil: Acha chod na, kyun gussa ho raha hai. Chal let't eat your lunch "Ladyfinger".

Naresh: doesn't react.

Nikhil looks at me, and at Himanshu: Oh sh&t he does think it is ladyfinger. Dude!!! :D :D more smiles from all of us

Himanshu: Brinjal, let's eat brinjal.

Naresh: realising, it is neither and wtf is it called. he definitely needs a crash course on vegetables together with birds and animals. even more pissed off.

Lecture over. Naresh still very hurt by the fact that "class ki ladkiyon ke aage nahin banta tha yaar yeh, dosti mein alag baat hai but bhai ki izzat tumne class mein utaar di)

Nikhil: Comes up with a brilliant idea. How abt we just revise all these in the canteen today so that it never happens again. Shoots a glance to Himanshu and Mayur. Himanshu amused, good time pass. Nikhil grinning.
Naresh: innocently, ok yes done hai.

Canteen: 4 cold coffees and 3 extremely sincere profs and 1 innocent student

Nikhil: Ok let's start with vegetables. bhindi?
Naresh: Ladyfinger ofcourse( thought time 1 second)....kya baat kar di yaar...bhai ko kya yeh bhi nahin pata hoga

Nikhil: baigan:
Naresh: brinjal (thought time 2 seconds)...btw turnip kya hota hai phir?
Himanshu: ??? hmmm he doesn't know the hindi name
Nikhil: shalgam bccc...looks at Himanshu: angrez ki aulaad...missile ke siwai kuch aur bhi pata hai tujhko!

Naresh: tum jyada hero ban rahe ho, lemme ask a few...ghiya..Nikhil: gourd (thought time 1.2 milisecond)...Naresh: petha...Nikhil: pumpkin (thought time 2 milisecond)...Naresh: Karela...

Nikhil: hmmm hamare ghar mein nahin banta hai!
Naresh: bc peacock to jaise tum log roz hi padte ho!...phat gayi ab...

Himanshu: bitter his UK accent
Naresh: ok now comes the real test...saunf ko kya bolte hain?
Himanshu: Fenugreek (thought time 0.1 milisecond)...smugg...Naresh: whatttt...impressed...
Jai himanshu baba...Jai himanshu baba...
Himanshu: dehatiyon agar bakwaas khatam ho gayi ho to samosa kha ke aayein...

We have never had more fun. I miss you guys. Met with Nikhil and Naresh last week in Delhi.

Just as update on the 4 guys:

Himanshu: In Atlanta, working for an IT firm. Is still pseud, is still puppy and last heard greeted the strippers at strip bar with "Hello Maam, hwo are you doing...pleasure is all mine"

Naresh: Working with a financial services firm in Delhi. FYI writes only all English mails and has tamed down on his violent streak

Nikhil: Working with Samsung in Delhi. Still taking Naresh's case on peacocks and sparrows. Still only talks with witty one liners shredding you to bare bones. Still supporting the damn ManU club

Mayur: Working in HK. Still has that bored expression though smiling today writing this. Still has a running long nose BUT moth$%fkkers now my walk has improved :D


Saturday, 10 January 2009


International Airport @ Delhi

Mayur: why are my flights always delayed. That too not by an hour or so, but by atleast 3-4 hours minimum.

Mom: :) u crib a lot. Why don't you make urself useful for a change and get a coffee for me.

Mayur: ok, for a change i will surprise you by getting it for u. blackberry and cell phone both fall out of pockets. arghhhhh there goes the battery. Control hindi abuses for now. Mom is thr. Koi na, fkkkkkkk is allowed.

Mom: make sure u take some time and don't come back for 15-20 minutes

Airport Announcement: Flight to Dubai is ready for boarding from gate 6

Mayur: phir cheeni kam hai. why don't these ppl realise a coffee is supposed to be khade chamach style (for all NRI quota passouts, it means that coffee has so much sugar that you can put a spoon in it and it can just stand in it)

Two ppl approach us. Extremely shady, one couldn't see from his one eye and almost deaf. Other one couldn't read and spoke some random language (definitely not out of hindi, bihari, bhaiya style, or anything that i have ever heard) ...deadly combo duo...

Gives me his boarding pass. Hmmm and...he just keeps looking at me. Ok got it, you want to know where are you going?

Illeterate guy (IG): Has an expression of you stupid ofcourse I know where I am going (Dubai), I just want to know which gate it is :D (so much for his over-confident expression I know where I am going)

Mayur: Gate 1 likha hai.

IG: Where is it, I can't find it. Rather what is "1"?!?!

Mayur: points towards gate 1

Semi-Blind guy (SBG): Thanks, Thanks...

Mom: wasn't the announcement for gate 6 for Dubai flight, you told them wrong. There they are, run after them and show them the right one, else they never gonna get it.

Mayur: arghhhhh i thought only saurabh singh was the fkk up king. i am getting influenced

Airport Announcement: Dubai jaane wali flight ab udaan ke liye tayar hai. etc etc ...boarding announcement

Mayur: HK ki flight ke liye bhi kardo announcement bhaiya ab! bc! mc!
Points towards gate 6.

Thanku Thanku...even the attitude guy smiling. Woah...he does have bad teeth...

Mayur: am sure these ppl going for wonder they are so keen on getting thr. Must be a huge difference from what they make here in India. Badhiya MS didn't pay a thing this much for being the whitest of the white shoe bank on wall street...Deepika Padukone kya lag rahi hai yaar Chandini Chowk to China mein...

Mom: i heard Akshay Kumar and Deepika are there in HK for their movie promotion Chandini Chowk to China

Mayur: which movie is this?!?!?!? what random sh^t these bollywood ppl make i tell u...and oh ho Deepika haan...first name basis pe naam lete ho aap uska...padosi hi to hai aapki bangalore mein :p (Deepika is in hk!!! and she didn't even meeet me?!?!) u wishhhhh

Airport Announcement: Last and final boarding announcement for flight to Dubai

IG and SBG: Approach again with their passport this time. Again looking at me.

Mayur: Hmmm What happened now?

IG: Pointing at 1 passport without a stamp and 1 with stamp

Mayur: ECNR stamp not thr, points towards the policeman sitting in the corner

IG and SBG: reluctant to go, look at me (looks at me. plz do something)

Airprot Announcement: Last and final boarding call for Dubai flight

Mayur: I think ECNR might not be even required but just check from that police guy

IG and SBG: give a polite smile, walk towards the police guy

Fat Police guy: Having a khada chamach coffee!!!!

Mayur: how the fkk did he get extra sugar...whatever...back to work from is going to be so boring...atleast Delhi was less boring. Hk is less cold, 1 gud point.
I have to get my hands on some latest gossip from round of cuts coming soon...and yeah Deepika is going to pay this time for not meeting me yet again...

Police Guy and IG/SBG arguing. Police guy tears up the bagage stamps, keeps boarding passes, asks them to get passport stamped again from emmigration

Mom: they already had emmigration stamp, why did u not tell them ki their passports are just fine. Look now they wil miss their flights

Mayur: hmmm ek aur fkkk up...i wasn't sure hence i sent them...kaand ho gaya...

Airport Announcement: Gate 6 dwar ab band kar diya gaya hai.

Mayur: sh^%es...mannn these guys really wantedto go...that was an oppurtunity for them of a lifetime...they could have earned a lot fkkk...when will this credit crisis gets over, correlation trading ka koi future nahin raha...time to change desks...i better be promoted this year else...they better promote me next year....

So much for being educated...shameful...

Good Luck Chuck Syndrome

Should start with an increasingly common trend hitting HK dating scene. Good Luck Chuck Syndrome.

A girl likes you, is with you/dates u/obsesses with u. But then invariably leaves you and ends up finding her true 'love' in the very next guy she dates and ends up marrying him quickly. Tareekh pe tareekh...girl after girl...

Extremely interesting syndrome, considering 2 of my very gud friends are hit with this. One has a cult women fan following together with their chote chote multinational kids :)

Rambling on...saw Hum Dil Chuke Sanam 19th time (courtesy pids). The freaking ba$%ard gifted me with the dvd on my bday, extremely thoughful dude. I think the movie is greatest tragedy of all times arguably. It is the quintessential hope of a happy ending and finally the bridge scene that makes it so sad.

My target is to watch atleast 25 times by end of chinese new year (deliberately set myself easy an target, have some other movies to complete 10 times too).