Monday, 28 July 2014

Smoking is injurious to health-

As I was watching this Hindi movie, "Humpty Sharma ki Dulhaniya", I yet again could not help but notice that whenever there is a smoking scene, there is a fine print below saying "Smoking is injurious to health". Why do we need that displayed every time? Once at the beginning of the movie should suffice. But no, the censors think that movies form a big part in influencing the Indian public opinion and it is very necessary to remind people again and again that smoking is bad.

By that logic, during every wrong act on the screen, there should be a fine print saying "violence is bad", "rape is bad", "eating too many hamburgers is bad", "watching TV from a close distance is bad" etc etc. That is complete bull sh%t. Why have they chosen smoking as the single most important thing to be pointed out on the screen as a bad thing?

Which brings me to this another super chutiatic statement from censors who have said that from now on there would be no beeping out of expletives from movies, instead the whole sentence would go mute. Logic being - beeping made people pay even more attention and lip reading gave away the abusive word easily. Beeping would not do that. ??!! Also from now on all scenes where women are being beaten up, raped or any other violence towards women OR any scenes where sex is being discussed will need to be toned down if not cut away entirely. So my question(s) is - what have men done wrong that they can be beaten up openly on screen??? woh bhi to insaan hain...unki izzat bhi to izzat hai...nahin? So men can go to hell basically? and what do censors plan to do about movies like Damini (national award winner) and Lajja etc? How do they plan to cinematically depict the themes on which these movies are based upon? I do think 2 flowers kissing, showing a tree move violently etc etc would be very entertaining but nonetheless not do the required job. Or do they want to do away with any hard hitting, topical, sensible movies completely and just want to promote Karan Johar kinda movies? and keep bringing the multiple academy awards we win every year?

Come on guys, seriously stop monitoring / censoring everything. Let the filmmakers be. Hardly make any good movies, whichever do - they have to deal with this crap. How will we get any hard hitting Korean murder mystery with lots of gore, blood, sex, drugs like Old Boy here in India then?

By the way - a part of me had new found respect for Indian censors after I read this:


Wednesday, 16 July 2014

The art of hiking-

Most friends I have like hiking and want to hike but are always afriad to do so citing fitness issues.

HK is a great place to hike, there are many marked trails with proper distance posts. I think an excuse like fitness is just too lame an excuse to miss out on all of these great trails (only valid excuses according to me are body injuries and good old fashioned laziness:)

There are only 3 necessary things required to complete mushkil se mushkil trail/hike and those are 1) enough water 2) some sugar, in any form but preferably solid 3) perspective / referencing.
A clarification: what kind of hikes are we talking about here - anything between 3km to 50km in distance and anything between 0mts to 2000mts in total ascent. Anything shorter,you should probably want to watch cartoon network for better use of time and anything longer/harder, you should skip to nat geo channel, they show how to tackle that monstrosity!

1) Enough water - this is most important and often underestimated. While you hike, forget everything, no distance, no tiredness, no thinking, no doubts on how you will do it. Just focus on drinking water, every 10 minutes you gotta drink 200ml. Aim is to pee every 2 hours. Yes correct, you have to pee. If you are not peeing in 2 hours means you are not hydrated enough, means the lactic acid is not getting flushed out, means you will get cramps and more importantly the body functions are not smooth. So drink water, the first pee is the tough one but you gotta reach it.

2) Sugar - this is different to food, for example if you take spinach with you instead of sugar, will that work? NO, that shit works only in popeye the sailor cartoon! You need sugar! Juices and fruits qualify but i usually prefer solids and in fruits eat something like bananas (instead of blueberries etc - you are here to hike, poker will come later!)
Sugar basically keeps the body from hitting the wall and keeps the mood upbeat. A very respected friend of mine used to try this technique where every 1km he would reward himself with something nice like a bite of chocolate or a toffee etc. I think this is a good technique.

3) Last but not the least, Perspective / referencing - sounds ambiguous and may be it is. May be i am not describing it correctly but what i mean here is that if say, you are going on a hike of 20kms, try getting a few important distance points for memory like the cemetery is midway (no double meaning intended here) or like there is a lake which comes at 5km, a bridge at 10km, a long ascent at around 15km and then last 2km is a flat patch till the end. Basically you need to know the layout of what is about to come. In HK where most trails are marked with distance posts, linear flat distance is fairly easy to reference but the difficulty comes in the vertical one! And that is where this point has so much importance. When you are out of breath, when your each and every body part is aching, when you are just exhausted, irritated ki kambkht kab khatam hogi yeh wali climb - and you see that tombstone on your right hand side, you will go AHAAAA bas iske baad to 2min hi bache hain, i know it ...why?...coz i read it online where it was written that it marks the end of the climb! Do that research and the above things and trust me, no hike is tough for you and no amount of fitness is less for you! Happy hiking :)

Special shout out for 4 people:
Suting Fu: i have the highest amount of respect for you, you are solid platinum of a guy. i learnt so much from you and i hope i paid it fwd and will keep doing so.

Archish: you are a stud, completing two - 250km runs is mind blastingly stud. my respect.

VJ: dude that 127 hours experience is still fresh in my mind, i would have died had that happened now! thank god i was ok then.

Garry Bhai: i miss our weekend hikes, you are my guide, my smart phone, my google map and my distance meter- only literally though :ppp


Tuesday, 15 July 2014

You want a bugati?

you want a lamborgini?
you better work bit*h!

I had actually not heard this song till i started following some k-pop songs. Now you will ask ki how do they have connection? Yun ki mujhe jyada bolne ki aadat to hai nahin but phir bhi main bata deta hoon...there is a korean girl dance group called "Waveya". They have performed on this song and i must say, done it rather well;)

Apart from being visually delightful, this song has actually a very straightfwd meaning and a pretty pertinent one for wella guys like me.


Monday, 14 July 2014

I am addicted to...

I have realised I am addicted to head and foot massages. No matter what time of the day it is, i keep longing for a head or a foot massage. And to top up the irritation, hk doesn't really have any Indian head massage places. They have foot massage but no head massage. They do have a thing called head and shoulder massage BUT it is crap. It is just super pressurized neck jamming, bone crunching shoulder blade massage. It sucks.

So to substitute, i found this ASMR videos on youtube. They are brilliant. And they not only are relaxing but also help with sleep. Anyone who has trouble sleeping, nightmare issues etc, should watch these. I strongly recommend these, put on your headphones for better effect.


Saturday, 12 July 2014

India vs England - 1st test

This is a substandard match with a substandard pitch, substandard umpiring and substandard team selection.

Either BCCI has given a lot of money to ECB or the England pitch curator has decided thst he solely would bring an end to Cook's captaincy - coz no other reason can justify or reason with such a stupid pitch straight up for the 1st test match.

The flat pitch is making India's 1st innings total look massive and gives false hope that may be finally the batting worries are over BUT a lot of it has to do with final wicket partnership and a middle order collapse would inadvertently be overlooked again. I actually fail to understand Binny's inclusion. The guy is average, not talented enough and frankly just not cut out for international level. He plays like Zimbabwe 12th man kind of technique and his stats over previous international matches and IPL (for that is a prime reason he has been selected) are fairly poor. He is neither upto mark as a bowler nor as a batsmen. Ashwin would have qualified as a better and more genuine all rounder. Either he, or Aaron or Gambhir would have made sense but Binny - for lack of better words is a bullshit selection. He btw has bowled a massive 5 overs out of the 100 bowled so far. hahaha

No DRS means more onus on umpires and here they are fkking up. First why the fkk does India have a choice to dink DRS for series? Just as a world cup or an ICC world event has DRS and everyone has to follow it, so does a test series should. It doesn't matter whether India objects to it. If tomorrow India wants 2 battings (or else they will take their bat ball and go home kinda scenario), would that be open to bilateral agreement?! If at all there are problems on consistency of results, get third umpire to use it instead of players using it. It makes an effective tool then and most importantly takes away howlers which we have seen half a dozen in the 3 days of this match. And the bigger problem I have is it is making Ishant Sharma look good despite idiot decisions.

This match could have very well been in Motera, India with domestic Indian umpires and standard of the match would remain same.

Come on la, get a swinging overseas pitch and let's see how these guys do.
Also may be too early to give an opinion but what is with slack fielding from Kohli. He drops way too many catches upfront close now and worst part is that no one bats an eyelid. Dhoni lets it go but that is just not done. India needs to breed standard slip fielders.


Monday, 7 July 2014

Best days of my life-

As my wife turns 32, i together with her had that same feeling of getting old (yeah this funda also works very similar to pregnancy weight!). And i can't help but think about my PEC days when life was so much easier and simpler and wonderful and easier and great and chilled out and...yeah...hmmmm

Everyday was pretty much the same for me...same routine and it was a great one...

I used to get up at the same time, i think 7-7:30 every morning ...take a guess by what...Thums Up! read it right...most people drink tea, coffee, even milk but i somehow (and the credit goes to my mom here) since class 10th have been waking up to Thums Up (and if Thums up is out of stock, then pepsi, coke, limca...there used to be no diet/coke zero in those days). Every morning she would bring me a glass of thums up with lot of ice and wake me up by tapping on my forehead (which i told her repeatedly to not do but...alas...). So i have literally "grown up" with Thums kidding...

Anyway i would reach college on time everyday...there hasn't been a day that i have got late...and i would report to electronics canteen (if summer season) or the Lipton Tea guy (if winter season) right on time...3 other guys reported with me everyday...the legendary Nikhil, the prim and proper Himanshu and the Jat Bhai Naresh. I miss you guys every month (i was about to write everyday but then that would have been weird!). I hope you guys are doing well, have lots of babies or are in the process of making lots of babies.

Now I thought the most brilliant thing about PEC was this canteen / verka booth...i mean it was just perfect...not just us 4...but almost the whole college used to report there every morning...some a little earlier than others but attendance was compulsory. It had strategic importance - it was equidistant from Girls' hotel, from the computer block, from the electrical block (that is where i was supposed to have my classes) and from the car park! So depending on whom one was stalking or running away from, it was pretty convenient! And mind you, it wasn't just about welapandi i have repeatedly said this, i was a small kid...height wise (just to clarify)...BUT only till PEC 1st year...because the amount of milk (cold coffees) and eggs (bread omelettes) that I have eaten while doing time pass at the canteen single handedly contributed to my growing into a 5'10  guy from a 4'10 tingu (i am lying, i am only 5'9 but i repeatedly lie about my height!)

Anyway moving on, once we have taken care of the morning attendance crap, the next task on hand was how to avoid attending the classes? There was a genius way that our grand seniors had come up with - it was called MC = mass cut. It meant that the class as a whole has decided not to attend the lecture and instead chill at the canteen. If the class is kind enough then they might tell the prof in charge about it or in most cases the prof can find it out himself when he walks into an empty classroom. I was in favour of the former - kuch to sharam honi chahiye but then i wasn't ever the CR (well not till the 4th year)  

This obviously went on till the break time (midway through the day). Rajma Chawal time! Boys Hostel used to have the yummiest food during lunchtime. Something on which hostelers used to laugh at me. They thought home food was better - i guess a classic case of grass is greener on the other side. I till date can't really eat home food much. A special mention here to my 3 sponsors at the mess - Shivang, dude i hope you have managed to gain weight coz if you haven't then what was a difference of 10kg then will now be a difference of 30kg between us. Kapil, I hope you succeeded in getting those chana and gudd (jaggery) to work on your hair and they are now black, long and dark as my future. And last BUT not the least - Manish aka Bhaiyaji, hair were soft...ofcourse in a non gay sense...i am married whatever feelings I had have anyway been crushed! :)

Post the lunch was Table Tennis time in the "common room". My 10 minutes of exercise for the whole day. I wasn't much good at it but whatever, not that there were any girls around to impress.

2nd half of the day - we would have run out of excuses to put more MCs so yeah we attended a few lectures. But some of those lectures were just an "insult fest". Yup, prof insulting you. Especially the lecture by Madari sir (yes respect...he was a teacher after all). So i have personally been called the following verbatim - most of which i found funny except 1-    
- Tu to peon hai, teri mentality hi peon wali hai...last bench pe tu baithta hai, novel tu padhta hai...kitaab tere paas ek nahin hai
- Abe hain kaun tu...ambani hai tu? tata hai tu? birla hai tu? tu hai kaun...jab tak in mein se kuch ban na jaye, tab tak mooh mat khol..sirf kaam kar
- Terrorist hai tu...tune poori class ka atmosphere kharab kar rakha hai...Tu CR hai na...teri baat class sunti hai and tu unhe galat malat baatein batata hai...koi placement nahin hone doonga main
- Sau programme likhe liya tu mere kamre mein aaj shaam ko...Sir kaunse program?  Peon hai tu...kaunse kya...bas likh la 100 program..addition, subtraction, alag alag bana ke le aa
But the one on which he actually kinda did hurt me was -
- Arey paas tu ho nahin raha hai...job teri lag nahin rahi hai...IIM etc mein kya hona hai tera...tu bas 75% attendance poori kar le wahi bahut hai...

Koi na...moving on, for the most part this was entertaining, we had a great laugh on this - more than anything, imitating him in front of my mom dad, relatives, friends was redemption enough...I was HANDS DOWN the best imitator of Madari Sir...I openly challenge anyone.

Post the college time, we assembled at Verka booth - more milk, mango ice cream, samose etc etc....All required coz it was time for cricket. Now since I had already exercised my 10 minutes of the day during lunch time, I usually volunteered to be the wicket keeper coz neither did I want to run nor was I interested in doing anything useful. EXCEPT i thought i am the Ganguly of the team - the i would usually shepherd around "my" team, set them for fielding etc...not that anyone cared but then since when have I cared that anyone is listening to me or not.

Cricket over - time to burn some fuel and more importantly precious time. Gedi route!!! A long stretch of traffic light less road which had women colleges on either side...Aasmaan mein....tuaaan tuaaan....laakhon taareeee....tuaan tuaaann...Now i was not really from a rich family but somehow my mom dad ensured that every morning my wallet was filled with enough cash for petrol, cold coffees and samosas. I didn't have, to be honest, any expensive tastes...i mean how much money can you burn on Re 1 samosas...even if you go ape shit one day and eat 10 more - it is what...a mere Rs 10 difference so i guess my parents didn't really have much of a chance to distrust me...anyway coming back to the Gedi route...CHK 6838 i miss you so so so much...that was my beloved camel colored brown maruti 800...i hope you are safe and sound in panchkula...

Post the Gedi route, since I had no friends except the 3 mentioned right at top, it was time for back home...which suited me perfectly...coz now started the welapandi of epic proportions...i always knew i had the talent to watch movies but this was like my net practice sachin batting during off time to hone his skills...this was my off time...except i didn't have any real matches to play :))) i would watch tv starting from 6pm to 3 am...every day...non top, without fail, without batting an pe movie, cricket pe cricket, cartoon pe cartoon, tareekh pe tareekh! At that time there was no HBO so only Star movies and I used to finish the full seasons within the 1st month! I would know each and every stat on cricket, tennis and soccer (well Nikhil used to know that 1 extra fact than me so he would kick my ass but yeah others i could take on with my eyes shut)

Dinner time was the usual - my mom dad were happy that i would imitate Madari Sir, they were happy with the fact that I was alive...they didn't really care much about grades, about how much welapandi i did. Meanwhile i would have another couple of glasses of undiluted, full sugar strength Thums Up by this time. My average daily intake of carbonated drinks (and by that, i don't mean sparkling water) was 1 Litre. No shit. These are real numbers and can be verified by calling up any of my relatives on mom's side.

There was no internet (or atleast not at my house) and no cell phones at that the whole evening was TV, telling stories to mom or playing hand cricket in my living room.

At 3AM, more out of boredom than exhaustion (I was already an insomniac by 3rd year), I would finally go to sleep, all ready, excited and mentally alert for the coming day! :)

Ofcourse no welapandi is ever complete without Drugs, Alcohol and Women. While I would elaborate on the first 2 in some other post, I must say women played an integral part in my 4 years. Though I recently got 2 pieces of bad news (bad for me, good for them) and i am very hurt - the 2 loves of my life (the 2 real ones amongst the many loves) have got married and i didn't even get a call! cheeee cheeee....kya gum hai jo itna muskra rahe ho...kya gum hai jise chupa rahe ho....after obsessing for 10 years, this is what i get...i didn't even get to drink a bottle of bacardi in depression...what a waste! :)

Now that was some life. I frankly don't have a great ending to this post except :))))




Saturday, 5 July 2014

Getting cancer has only upside-

Lately I have heard a lot of cases where someone's relatives / friends / acquaintances etc have had cancer but made full recovery. As much as it is unfortunate, I am of the opinion that it is the toughest on the family members (more so on mom dads than siblings) and the person whose had it has actually just cracked jackpot. Now this sounds insane, most people will think the guy has lost it etc etc but I have thought a lot about it, I still stick to my opinion.

The person who has it has 2 potential outcomes: he lives or he dies. If he dies, then voila! jackpot...he has done his time and now is chilling peacefully because what can be tougher than living further in this bad harsh world. If he lives - then bad luck (my sympathies) BUT he will forever be called "hero", "survivor", "tough guy", "this is the guy who beat death" etc etc and will forever be looked at with sympathy, get extra favors/chances/opportunities AND can always convert his/her mediocre life into a full fleshed propaganda through writing books on his life, giving advice how to fight cancer get the drift.

I frankly think - he ain't the hero, the real hero is the doctor who saved him, science or the medicine behind is real hero. He had to just sit there and get the treatment. Yeah yeah i know some people say "But he had to keep the will to keep surviving"...bullsh%t...even if he didn't keep the will, would his family have let him die? how does an unwillingness to live actually translate into action? does he commit suicide? coz if he does - then voila - jackpot! he is free from this life...and if he doesn't (99% people don't) then whether he is willing or unwilling, whether he was a fighter or not, whether he was tough or not...ain't matter...the doctor will save him! SO who is the real hero?

Now comes the survivor part, the tough guy part - that again is the family, the people who would have been left behind if he would have died...coz frankly they are the people who will suffer, miss him the most while he would be chilling somewhere sipping on bacardis! (assuming heaven and hell both serve liquor with no age criteria) It is the family which pushes themselves, their resources, their hope quotient, their morale to survive. SO who is the real survivor?

Look at this example - again would sound blasphemy for many people but i don't care. Yuvraj Singh.
He had cancer, recovered and is having the time of his life! He got a comeback in India test team on back of it (if he can survive cancer, he can survive English swing bowlers macha! what are you talking...most definitely can...). He got a comeback in India T20 team for the world cup (if he can survive cancer, he sure can kick Malinga's ass macha...what are you talking...he will hit 6 six's again...). He got a new life in IPL where he got signed for Bangalore as the highest paid (if he can survive cancer, he can survive IPL macha...what are you way he won't score run on domestic way...).

Having cancer ain't bad...surviving it might be tough luck BUT it is still better than having nothing!


God is being cruel-

Federer has reached wimbeldon final...and he is looking good!
If he wins this, there is no argument left that he is the greatest. And most certainly Nadal can't catch him. He has at the very max, another 6 grand slams left on him, to win 4 out of those is impossible.
I have been anti Federer for a while now, more for his weeping than him losing but damnit he has stopped crying only! I am so going to have to eat my words and i hate that.
But would I prefer Novak to win then?
most certainly not. he is the most mediocre rank 1 in tennis since marcello rios! i really don't think he is very good and though he might stop federer from another grand slam title, i would prefer he doesn't.
If only somehow this wimbeldon final gets washed off and no one is declared a winner. If only somehow everyone from fourth round onwards who has won all slams and olympic gold gets declated a winner!
If only...fkkk if only....nadal pull up your socks instead of pulling up those wedgies!


Thursday, 3 July 2014

Korean movies are way ahead -

I can't say that I have started following Korean movies lately because i haven't. I started following them 3 years back! Now i am kind of done with them. I am left hugely impressed and mind you I am a very very tough critic. The plots, screenplays, editing, action sequences, dialogues, curses - just about everything about them is fantastic!

BUT what is sad is that Bollywood keeps copying them and keeps makeing a hash of these movies...the best example is Zinda (copied from Old Boy) o man....what a gang rape on the Korean movie...sanjay gupta destroyed Old Boy...

Anyway - my recommendation for the uninitiated for the best Korean movies-
Old Boy
Memories of Murder
Joint Security Area
My Sassy Girl
Miracle in Cell No. 7

Next set can include-
I saw the Devil
Lade Vengeance
Man from Nowhere
Bittersweet Life
New World

The first set of movies is...simply put...mind blasting!


Wednesday, 2 July 2014

West Indies - still the same issues!

I have been following West Indies cricket for more than 20 years now, they infact are my favorites. From the age of 10 when I was barely 3ft tall, I have been trying to copy and bowl like Curtly Ambrose (I was pretty fast in my earlier days and I mean express pace, not chummi fast!). Everyone knows the team has gone down, cricket is in tatters etc etc but this last series against NZ sums it up, I haven't seen more things wrong about a team since ...i cant even think of an example!

1) Batting coach is Stuart Williams - are you kidding me? On one side you have the great Ambrose as the bowling consultant and then you have Williams as the batting one? seriously? The guy could barely bat himself, averages in poor numbers and was at best tier-2 opener. Why have him? Where are Hooper, Jimmy Adams, Sherwin Campbell (even he would be better than Williams)? I am assuming Lara has said "fkk off" to these guy already else he is an obvious choice. I think the logic that you don't necessarily have to be great player yourself to be a great coach might work for the Head Coach position (Otis Gibson in this case) but it definitely DOES NOT work for the specialist position consultants. Imagine Sidhu being the fielding coach of India?

2) The captain - Ramdin. Why is he the captain? For lack of any other senior players? Where is DJ Bravo (the ODI captain)? Ramdin till last year was in pathetic batting form and himself not sure of his position in the side, now we have him as a permanent fixture. Silly - and to top it, he himself is not sure whether he can handle it. Extremely defensive and supremely bad team selection

3) Suniel Narine - This was the height of ullu ka pathapan that selectors did. He played the IPL final and was late by 1 day in reaching back, he missed the deadline. So he was told he will be omitted for the full test series. Why? What part of IPL schedule did WI selectors not know? IPL is already approved by various boards, the schedules are public knowledge, Kolkatta reaching final was public news, and more importantly didn't just happen out of the blue - everyone could see they are in top 4, won the 1st qualifier so are in finals. Even if he did get omitted for the 1st test, what is the point of omitting him for all 3?

4) Shillingford - He needs to go and practice a new variation, his doosra is banned and frankly he sucks at best! His inclusion in last test single handedly defeated WI. Instead of him, there should have been a batsman and NO i don't want to see Blackwood. Bring back DJ Bravo, Sarwan etc. Dink out Edwards, Gayle, Shillingford.

Bowling is actually looking good after a while, they need to get Fido Edwards also back fit and these 3 : Roach, Taylor and Edwards can actually do well together with Narine and Benn.

Ideal Test team should look like this -
Braithwaite, Blackwood, Darren Bravo, Sarwan, Chanderpaul, DJ Bravo, Ramdin, Narine, Roach, Taylor, Edwards
Also Chanderpaul is almost on his way out, so there is a huge hole waiting to be exposed there - Gayle should be brought down the order (same issue as Sehwag i think, he has no technique at the top!)

I really hope to see a Test Match in Jamaica one day and more importantly WI will win that day and not get thrashed!