Alarm Substitute-

So I was in Tokyo recently and for some reason the hotel ran out of converters for phone chargers. Now - since I was on roaming and not that anybody calls me, the phone itself wasn't that important but what it did serve a purpose for was the alarm in the morning! Given I had meetings in the morning, I couldn't really afford to get late - I went back to basics.

Long time back, when I was a kid, I had a massive problem of not being able to get up in the morning. My mom used to wake me up with great difficulty and this went on till as late as my under grad days. I literally couldn't hear alarms - no matter how loud they were or how many were set. Multiple alarms were tried - they came and they went but I just couldn't get up! She then gave me her secret tip. Now I will warn you that this might sound silly or attempt at a joke or just plain frivolous BUT this is anything but that. She told me if you just talk to your pillow and tell it that you need to get up by such and such time, the pillow will 100% nudge you at that exact time for that fleeting moment and that really tiny winy quick window will exist when you will open your eyes at the very time you wanted to wake up. Now it is really up to you after that whether you go back to sleep or you don't act upon it because this trick doesn't have a "snooze" option.

I did try this in Tokyo, it worked. It was magical. 6:30 AM bang, i was up! This works. Try it. I can guarantee this works. For the smart a$$es who have the question that what do we do if we don't use a pillow - I don't know, go figure it out!

MA 

Back in london-

This is the happiest place on earth! Saw chelsea cloisters where i first stayed 10 years back.

MA

EQ-

Increasingly there is a new buzz word - "EQ". Emotional Quotient. Obviously in the context of "IQ". Intelligence Quotient.

EQ is nothing, it is a sign of weakness, people who have high EQ are essentially those who don't have high IQ and hence need something to show that they should be considered worthy of something too and hence they made up a term called EQ.

The above was fairly obvious but there is now a second degree of mind game getting played by high IQ people (as if just being high IQ wasn't enough to satisfy their huge egos) - they keep saying they are a fan of  high EQ. They crave it and call it more important than IQ. They pretend to be jealous of high EQ people. They wish they could exchange their IQ for EQ. This is all to make low IQ people feel better about themselves, positive affirmation.

It is high time people realize - there are only 2 kinds of people in this world, high IQ and low IQ. You can't just invent a term, a new category to make yourself feel relevant.

P.S I am a fairly low IQ person but I refuse to take support of "EQ" to show that I am useful, or in any way better than anyone else.

MA

Feminism-

People keep asking me why I hate feminism. I don't hate women and neither do I have a problem with them. But I do have a problem with anything which divides people and which eggs people on to fight against each other. Be at constant war against each other. That is what feminism is doing these days. It doesn't teach that women are equal, anymore. It teaches that women need to rule over men, they are superior to men and that all men are bad. What is the difference then in any fundamentalist religion and feminism?
FYI - I have an equal problem with chauvinism that say men are greater than women etc etc. Why is there a talk of inequality at all? Why not teach people to exist in peace and with love?

MA

Extraordinary-

Saw the movie "Imitation Game" and realized that some people are so lucky to live such extraordinary lives but the biggest tragedy is that they never realize it. Or may be they do but the people surrounding them make their achievements look trivial and make them look inconsequential. I can only hope that one day I will be given a chance to do something which will be remotely useful and may be, just may be important for someone rather than just existing and living my otherwise pathetic useless waste of a life!

MA

Singapore-

Every time i visit Singapore, i come back with mixed feelings and a lot of anger. It is a great city, clean, no pollution, relaxed and without a doubt: a sense of chillness/ laziness about it which has "less productivity" written all over it (which i love btw).

I went on business so while meetings went well, everything non business was like always difficult and strange about this city. People are so different, they are just not normal. They seem to live in a cocoon and are oblivious to anything other than their lives. May be i am jealous of this and the fact that people are so happy while rest of us normal mortals are so miserable!

MA

Getting beaten-

I have realised that i don't feel bad when i am beaten unfairly or when i lose because of some bias, cheating etc.
I feel bad only when i am beaten fair and square. When i know the other guy was the better guy. When i know in all honesty that i was the inferior one and no matter how hard i try, unless god / luck smiles on me, i am gonna get my ass handed over to me.

This has happened to me every two years when i am made to remember my "aukaat". I guess i should learn to know my place before 1 day, god stops being generous and madari sir's premonition that "abe tu hai kaun? Tata hai, ambani hai? Tu peon hai and bada hoke wahi rahega" comes true.

MA

Irish Exit-

I had this bad habit of disappearing after a couple of drinks every time I am out with my friends. I would excuse myself to go to the washroom and then just leave without telling people. And on top of it, I would switch off my cellphone and just go quiet for rest of the weekend (it was a usual phenomenon on Friday late nights). So much so that couple of my friends nick named me "Cinderella" and for the longest time I thought it was because I was cool as Russel Crowe's character in the movie "Cindrella Man" :)

Now I have obviously improved after constant feedback but recently some of my office colleagues pulled the stunt on me and I got to know it is called the "Irish Exit"

MA 

New found respect...

for Sajid Khan and Shakti Kapoor. Saw a play in HK called "Mid Summer Night Dreams" and it was so poorly produced, screen played, scripted and acted that my "Jungle Book" of 7th grade stood out like Schindler's List in front of it!

The comedy was so slapstick and non comic that Shakti Kapoor in Chaalbaaz with his "main nanna sa, munna sa bacha hoon" dialogue might come across hilarious. Equally Sajid Khan's "Humshakals" is looking like an academy award winning masterpiece.

On top of this, the play was so overpriced! And there was no popcorn or hotdog either!

And worst was - as we were exiting the theater (or joke of a theater), I overheard 2 English ladies talk to each other how wonderful the play was and how they will get their kids to come watch it. Utter bull shit!!! They will drop dead with pleasure if they watch Bollywood movies if they get impressed with crap like this play.

MA

26/11 Anniversary

So today was the anniversary of the Mumbai terrorist attacks and I was recalling how I was right in the middle of it (well not in Oberoi or Taj but another hotel).

I was on a biz trip and when I was at the airport, news had started coming in already that there is something wrong with the flights to India and there would be a delay to all Mumbai flights. I remember I never thought at the time that it was due to something so major, I thought this was yet another Indian Airport related fkkup. So as the flight delayed even more, people actually inquired more and it was pretty evident what was the cause.

I was caught in 2 minds, whether I should just cancel the trip or just go ahead because as I always think "mujh jaise rakshas ladke ko kabhi kuch nahin ho sakta hai". I ended going ahead with the trip purely due to 1 reason. I was ball-less at that time (still the case!). I was worried about what my then boss would say and think so poorly of me (yes, he definitely would never thing that it is a genuine reason to cancel a trip!).

So the whole flight is pretty uneventful except the fact that I was getting worried that how would I go from airport to my hotel?! I doubt any cabs etc would be available. I checked my ticket, thankfully there was a pickup listed. But you never know, the hotel guys might say, fkk this guy, who cares...unlike me the driver might have the guts to value his life!

Anyway, I land, pickup is there with my name card! I sit, I try to chat the driver up if it is safe to go etc, he was like over confident "haan haan - koi vanda nahin, woh sab south mumbai mein ho raha hai, apun to highway pe hai, beech mein hai yeh hotel".
Ok...if he says so. The roads were empty, so his optimism wasn't being shared by many people i guess. Anyway about 1km from the hotel, there was a huge police barrier and they stopped up. Made me get out, checked my hotel tickets, luggage, there was a sniffer dog who was looking rather tired. The police then tell the cab driver to get lost. I was like what?!! Then what will I do. I have this luggage and I had no clue how far is the hotel (I later got to know it was around 1km). Police guy said, ok on your way, go on...walk...pointing me towards the direction.

I start walking...couple of guys were ahead of me at 400m types distance but otherwise it was an empty road at 11pm at night. I was thinking, I need a set of balls now, enough....I can't be dying in Mumbai of all the places!

Anyway I reach the hotel, operations were even tighter. Multiple dogs, security checks, no concierge. I guess all the five star hotels were in lock down mode. Anyway I checked in, reached my hotel, locked it etc...So then I thought, ok let's tub a bit. Chill, let's have a beer and sit in the tub. So as I am doing that, I hear a loud banging noise on my door. I ignored, rather I was too engrossed in my tubbing. Again, even louder banging. This time it was fkking scary. I was like "gaye beta...mara lo...KSML types...ok let me atleast wear some clothes". So i go to he door in that bath robe kinda thingie, shout out "who is it". No reply but just constant banging. I was like khol deta hoon before they shoot me! I open up and what do I find - 2 police guys and that sniffer son of a bitch again. I was like "fkk u guys, you gave me a heart attack....why didn't you answer when I asked who is it" They are like it is standard protocol, will happen in every 4 hours so be prepared.

It went the whole day, I was mostly hotel restricted, had only a couple of meetings and then returned. It was one of the scariest experiences of my life after trying to snorkel in Andaman!

MA

I dream of...

bowling off spin bowling everyday these days...i mean literally. It is a recurring dream for the past 6 months where I see myself in Indian colors, bowling off-spin bowling every match - both in ODIs and Test Matches.

I am frankly quite disappointed with this dream (it is a notch up from the nightmares i get) but I have always found off-spin bowling feminine. Not that there is anything wrong in that but I just don't see myself as an off-spinner. Playing for India and all is ok, but come on not off-spin. I was a fine batsman mind you in my younger days. Wouldn't say I was Sachin but could have given a combo of Dravid and Ganguly a run for their money at 1-down / opener position (versatile you see, my name was Mayur "versatile" Aggarwal). I had that immense desire to not give away my wicket and was able to bat for many hours at a time not necessarily scoring many runs (whatever runs were scored were through the off side with glorious cover drives reminding many people of Lara). So much so that I used to get 2 battings due to my immense talent but I strongly suspect because I used to own the wickets and the bat and most importantly the ball :)

Anyway coming back to the point of off-spin (I have this bad habit of digressing - my only real flaw). So i am balling ball after ball, lame, insipid off-spin bowling and the worst part is that I haven't yet taken a wicket in 6 months. I come, ball and then get hit for runs - only saving grace is that noone has hit me yet for a six! I wonder if this has to do anything with my real life - aimless, pointless "off-spin" bowling for last 7.5 years. Come on God, give me a chance as an opener (i prefer to be at the non striking end :) or as a 1 down. Ok, if not batting, atleast let me bowl fast bowling dude, seriously! Ok if not even fast bowling then my next preference is leg spin and if not even that then I want to apply for the wicket-keeper position because I ain't fkking running around anymore doing fielding and bowling stupid off-spin!

MA

Everyone is a -

son/daughter of their parents. Of their mother and father. And no matter how much they want to be different from them, no matter how much certain qualities you don't want to inherit, no matter so many qualities that you want to bring which are missing in them, you will always remain their child and turn out like them. There is no escaping.

I come across so many people everyday especially my own generation who are intelligent (in the true sense, no sarcasm) and so aware. They can compartmentalize the qualities of their parents into good, bad, neutral so well BUT when it comes down to shaping their own personalities, deep down under, when push comes to shove, when pressure is high, when that moment which counts the most, comes in front of them - they always show their true colors, the colors of their parents.

MA

What kind of women should...

one have in their lives?

Someone who is constantly trying to change you, make you supposedly "better", sets the bar higher everyday testing your patience, your "respect" for women? So much so that it is exhausting to meet the newly set bar?

Or

Someone who always agrees with whatever you think/do and then uses that as a tool to free ride in getting baby-sit, doesn't challenge you in getting better, rising above your otherwise mediocre standards and almost is aloof to the point of being dissociated with the reality of your pathetic existence?

I wonder...everyday...

MA

New definition of being good-

I use the phrase "this guy is a good guy" a lot! and by a lot, i really mean a lot. Infact I always pass a judgement on whomever I meet and I invariably share that with my wife.

She always has either of these 2 reactions - thinks I am being judgmental OR everyone is good / no one is bad. To this I in turn always have the same reaction back again (Physics 2nd law was infact my favorite law in science!) - judgmental my a$$, I think it is a profound waste of time if one is being politically correct all the time or being non-judgmental OR I keep quiet with nothing to say back on the "everyone is good" theory.

I thought a lot about it. I know everyone can't be good. I know for sure that it is impossible that no one is bad. And then I think I found a definition of my "good". I realized that age old definition of being good has no place for empathy, gives no points for being aware of one's surroundings and reacting according to them or for that matter to any sensitivity. Somewhere so many people are still stuck with a thought that if you are not causing any physical pain to anyone or deliberately causing any mental anxiety to anyone, you are being good. And I think NO, IT IS NOT ENOUGH to be good. (Please to take note here, in no way am I construing that I am good under my new definition, I most certainly am not). The above things only make you "not bad" and not "good". There is a difference in being "not bad" and being "good".

A dog can sit on a road, chill out and mind his own business, not bite anyone, not bark - does that make it good? Increasingly I have come across people who want to be just "not bad". They have no clue what is happening around them. They don't care. I definitely want to be more than "not bad". I want to be a "good" guy - that is the least I expect out of myself.

MA       

What is patience?

It is the license you give others to act increasingly stupid, unreasonable and unintelligent. The most distinct characteristic about patience is that it has no absoluteness attached to it. It is only as good as your last displayed act of impatience. It is like the Sobriety counter you get at Alcoholics Anonymous. As you progress, with each passing day, year, you keep getting a new counter which states that you are 1 week sober, 1 year sober, 15 years sober BUT the day you lose control and drink alcohol, you start with the 1 day sober counter again!

You will invariably be reduced to their level by a stupid person and then beaten through experience!

MA 

Personality type and the responsibility it brings-

This post, more than anything is a test of my grammar and of how well am I able to put my thoughts down coherently in a post, as that is a constant criticism from one of my rather anal readers!

So for long, I have thought about this topic, struggled with the consequences of this syndrome and have gradually wanted to change / grade off certain characteristics in my personality. Before I come to reasons for wanting to change and the consequences, I would like to tell the background of the problem.

I don't know when it all started but somehow I have been put in a very definitive personality type box by all my friends, family (excluding mother) and my wife (yes family is different than wife - separate post on that). They all think I am this very bubbly guy, happy, comic, always cracking jokes type, slightly sarcastic and one who doesn't take things to heart kinds. I have no fucking clue why they think that because out of all the above, the only thing that mildly resonates with reality is that I am sarcastic, not mildly but full blown 100% asshole certified sarcastic. Rest is a lie. May be back in college days, when i wanted to be popular among girls, i might have invented a few stories or cracked some jokes (after all most women in their "top 5 qualities they look in a guy" start with "sense of humour"...hahaha...what bullshit) but other than that, i don't remember when have i shown bubbliness or happiness or whatever. If anything, my mother thinks i am a fucking psycho and need professional help. 

Now the consequences are extremely tiresome, frustrating and making me go deeper into this problem. Every time I meet my friends, they expect me to be happy, no matter what shit my life is going through, no matter how my mood is, no matter anything. It is the same expectation - "mayura...kuch sunao...we luv your jokes" and I always think in my mind - "abey kyu...main koi kapil sharma hoon?! i am sad, seriously just let me have a drink, smoke up and stay sad...i want to stay depressed...plz". There is barely a time when I am in a social gathering and I can have a quiet drink, eat my food, just soak up the entertainment (if any!) for a change.

But the bigger problem has just hit me, now no one needs to tell me to crack jokes or tell stories or prompt me to be happy. Then you would wonder, where is the problem? The problem is that now I have gone on an auto pilot where my trigger reaction on seeing anyone is to light up, tell a story and be entertaining - but somewhere that is not me. Somewhere I am ignoring the bigger issues in my life , it is bringing a certain casualness in my approach to life and that is leading me slowly down a road which has LOSER written all over it. I am so engrossed all the time in my head inventing new jokes, stories to entertain people, family, wife that I have forgotten that entertainment is a secondary aspect of life. I am not SRK or Tom Cruise that i need to entertain people...I need to fix my life and let everything else go to hell.

The responsibility of my perceived personality is weighing me down and I am getting increasingly worried about the consequences that are staring me in my face.

Funny or rather worrying shit of the day-
http://www.newindianexpress.com/nation/Woman-Accuses-Man-of-Raping-Her-on-Pretext-of-Marriage/2014/06/07/article2268206.ece

There is something wrong about this statement. I found it funny and then worrying. In case you are getting curious about what's new in the statement, I am NOT on the girl's side here. Figure it out.
And this does bring me to a topic on which I have wanted to write for a very long time - section 304A and 498B of the Indian penal code or the Dowry Law! More later on that.

MA
    

Age old saying-

A friend in need is a friend indeed. I always thought that's an overstatement and rather lame. But i was wrong. It was a revelation this time. I was amazed by how people have reacted to me in this last 1 year. Like in every situation, they can be also be divided in 4 groups-

1) People whom I thought are friends, whom I expected to support me and ended up doing so as well - I was rather surprised by the low number here

2) People whom I thought are friends, whom I expected to support me BUT ended up not doing so - no surprises, this number was very high

3) People whom I never thought will help me BUT did - supplies!!! this number was very high and so reaffirming that people are so good. I will forever be indebted to them

4) People whom I never thought will help me and they didn't bother either - expected i guess...you can't just go about helping any tom, dick or harry that walks up to you

Number 2) and 3) got me thinking that I have been so wrong on my read of certain people (and my reads are rarely wrong!). I have decided that from now on I will constantly evaluate or rather be cognizant about which people are actually falling in which category from above and make sure that I spend the most time (allotted for my "friends" time) with people falling in 1) and 3).
Number 2)s have been such a big waste of time and have made me look so stupid. And of course I pledge my irrevocable and unconditional support to 1) and 3) if at all they ever need me (I hope not and I really hope they have better people than losers like me in their corner).

P.S. a shout out to my favorite number 1) my mom...i doubt she reads my blog but probably one day, I will make her read it and hope she will at last be proud of me. She is a rockstar.

MA

What is common between Aishwarya Rai and me?

Our friends and friends of friends and their friends seem to bother a bit too much regarding our weight or rather overweight!

Seriously! and this started 3 years back when I was probably much leaner and lighter, this one particular female would always first ask me about my weight before she even said hi, how are you or any other kind of pleasantries. No matter after how long we met, or if i just came back from a broken hand or straight from my grave - the question / reaction would be "woah...suno...kitne mote ho gaye ho aap bygawddd...kuch exercise kar liya karo"

Not that I feel bad but seriously...i mean...kya hi boloon ab main...hum kya chakhe hain!!?

MA

About Alex and me-

"About Alex" is the latest Hollywood movie I saw and really liked. No coincidence that it is about stuff which I really care about, feel strongly about or have written about.

The movie is about this guy who tries to commit suicide and then later bails on it but calls upon his college friends to give him support. 5 friends (obviously with history with each other) reach his place and everyone reacts the way they know to without really realizing that almost all of that reactions are stemming from that past history. The movie hits upon themes of closet homosexuality, casual sex, immature relationships in college, abuse of prescription drugs, depression, fear of commitment, professional failure, jealousy apart from suicide and friendship which are obvious ones given the plot.

I could relate to pretty much everything (i know what you are thinking - barring that one!) in this movie and I kind of have gone through all this already in my life through one form or the other.

Casual Sex - I vehemently recommend it, it takes away all inhibition from life. It takes away your license to judge and liberates you from any high moral grounds that you may be subjected to. Coming from a small city like Chandigarh where exposure is low and the concept of sex is still very "you have to do it with the chosen one", I had all these bullsh%t fundas of sex being the most powerful force blah blah. Then I met someone who was exact opposite of me and I realized how constricting these fundas are!

Immature Relationships - well i am quite immature so all my relationships are by default immature too. But yeah college ones were definitely insanely childish and imbecilic. The obsession, the reactions, the drama, the tension, the pseudo "seriousness" - now that I think of was of utter nonsensical proportions.

Abuse of prescription drugs, depression - the less said about this, the better...i was asked to remove this part

Fear of commitment - everyone has it, who doesn't. Especially at young age, who wants to commit? rather who even knows what commitment is? As opposed to what women think, it is to keep options open, it is not. It is to keep a level of detachment, it is a means to keep a level of casualness to something which otherwise spirals into mind bending epic waste of time.

Professional Failure - hahaha...hahahhaa...this i am a champion of! OMG! Those people who have never gone through failure in job / career / studies can never understand the intensity of the feelings which emerge when you have sustained, continuous, never ending professional failure. And can never fathom what it does to one's psyche, one's confidence, one's perspective to life.

I am getting bored writing this post because it just brings back such useless memories which I have tried so hard to forget. Anyway this was a great movie, i will definitely watch it again sometime.

MA

I luv Jet Airways-

Most striking feature about Jet Airways compared to any other airline is the fact that they have their entertainment system switched on right from the word go. One doesn't have to wait till safety belt signs are switched on, then off, then on again and then off, then safety instructions, then more bullsh%t and then even more bullsh%t.

You can just take your seat, switch on a movie and relax. Not only does it keep you occupied, atleast I seem to mind less the minor delays in boarding and taking off of the flight. I think Cathay should definitely take cue from it, they have some of the most idiotic entertainment systems, atleast in their older flights and routes.

MA